Miscellanea, Errata, Et Cetera

The actor and comedian recently completed his run as Detective John Munch on NBC's now-cancelled cop show Homicide. He also has a new book out called UFOs, JFK, and Elvis. While the views of Richard Belzer, private citizen, are as valid as those of the next individual, the tone of this book suggests an authority --- a homicide detective's authority --- that is lacking in its substance.

UFOs, JFK, and Elvis is plainly a book for the unititiated, since anyone with more than a passing knowledge of the JFK case will not learn much from it. And, while Belzer might disagree, I don't believe this was intended as an altogether serious book. But it is not merely a book of humor, either.

In its Kennedy section, the book lays out the basics of the assassination --- that is, the gospel according to Earl Warren versus reality. But there are some amusing little asides: "This is my fantasy. I want to get Gerald Ford drunk one night and have him explain to me the single-bullet theory." Ford's imagined reply is a little vulgar for my taste, but I do enjoy seeing such well-deserved disrepsect in print.

There's an obligatory chapter called "The Usual Suspects." As you might expect, this is a hit parade of names trotted out as possible sponsors in the JFK assassination. The CIA is at the top of the list, and to his credit Belzer gives this great weight. Also included --- you can recite these with me, right? --- are Fidel Castro, anti-Castro Cubans, the Russians, the Mafia, and Big Business. The last is seen as acting in concert with the very first on the list. Belzer dismisses the rest of those enumerated here.

There is ample sidebar material presented in little boxes all through this book. One of these is headed, "This Is a Good Place for a Rant." In this curious flight of fancy, Belzer muses about different assassination theories, which make him "feel like Boo Radley watching Who's the Boss? in Esperanto." (What?) He observes that he was taught the truth would set you free, "unless you want the truth about who killed JFK."

There is a section of this book dealing with UFOs, but --- Elvis fans, take note --- virtually nothing about the King. And while there is a lengthy Bibliography (Belzer swears he has read all its titles "and more"), one of the principal sources appears to be Belzer's conversations with author Jim Marrs. Marrs is not a collaborator in the usual sense of the word, but apparently did share "some of his vast knowledge on these fascinating subjects."

Belzer's prose have a sardonic, elbow-in-your-ribs, won't-be-fooled-again edge that do not serve his readers very well. And yet, it's good that someone with as high a profile as Belzer is publicly saying, in essence, Yes, Virginia, there was a conspiracy. But don't we already know that?

--John Kelin

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I Am a Donut

The following first appeared in the opinion section of the Salt Lake City, Utah, Desert News.

Kennedy's German was fine
In debunking the myths surrounding the Kennedys ("Kennedy mystique": Merely mortals worshipping celebs, July 26, A-7), Marianne Jennings innocently propagates another in claiming that John F. Kennedy's "Ich bin ein Berliner" means "I am a doughnut." Despite solemn assurances by those who know just enough German to get in trouble, it simply isn't so.

True, there is a jam-filled pastry (not a doughnut) known in Germany as a "Berliner." But Kennedy's audience would no more have heard it that way than an American would take "I am a New Yorker" to mean "I am a car."

To express solidarity with the divided city, on the other hand, Kennedy's choice of German was precisely correct.

Whoever may have misunderstood President Kennedy on that occasion, certainly no German did.

Nile Dean Meservy
Harrogate, North Yorkshire, England

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Probation for Cenotaph Sprayer

condensed from a report in The Dallas Morning News

A man who admits spraying graffiti on the John F. Kennedy Memorial in downtown Dallas received five years' probation in mid-August, with orders to continue taking medication to control his bipolar disorder.

Harold Russell Allen, 28, pleaded guilty to a state-jail felony charge of graffiti causing less than $20,000 in damage, which carries a potential punishment of up to two years in jail. He testified during his sentencing hearing that he was ashamed he defaced the memorial in April. "I just pray to God I have another chance," he said. "I apologize for everything, all of this."

Doctors say Allen was in a manic episode brought on by a recently diagnosed mental illness.

A videotape showing the graffiti was played in court. The defacing included crosses, intertwining lines, a happy face and a swastika. A Dallas businessman paid to have the graffiti removed.

In addition to the probation, Allen must perform 200 hours of community service as restitution for his actions.

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